A Sleepless Night
The night before my first treatment had finally arrived. I had dreaded this night for weeks, and kept hoping it would never come. But I knew eventually I was going to have to face reality, and accept what was going to happen to me. Chemo begins – my first treatment is only hours away. I felt so out of control and at the mercy of the universe. The night before I had to take a slew of medications. I had to take 6 tablets of antihistamine which were to help my body prepare for the toxic chemical drugs that were going to be pumped into my bloodstream within hours. I had to take several antihistamines to help curb some of the side effects.
The night before Chemo was really unnerving for me. I think I had to take a total of about 10 different medications and each had to be taken at a very specific time in order for things to go smoothly the next day. When I am faced with adversity, I have a great deal of trouble sleeping. Especially when I have no idea what is going to happen. I felt so totally SCARED TO DEATH!! As predicted, I did not get but maybe 2 hours of total sleep that night. And those 2 hours were the 2 hours just before I had to get up and get ready to go experience my first Chemo treatment. I woke up totally exhausted knowing what this day would hold for me. But —- I knew I had to get ready, face my fears, and bite the bullet! My Cancer Journey was about to begin whether I liked it or not!
I was so anxious. I felt so out of control of my own life! I was scared to death of what my reactions would be to Chemotherapy. I had read the entire binder I was given that outlined all of the possible side effects. My cancer liaison had told me that most people only experienced a handful of side effects. Unfortunately, there was no way to know which side effects would affect which person until they actually went through the treatment. I had a very uneasy feeling in my gut that told me to expect the worse. I always try to be as positive as possible, but I was really struggling with what was about to happen to me. I still had not fully accepted the fact that this was my life now. I did not want to experience this, I did not want to be part of this club, and I did not want anything to do with cancer. But for whatever reason, all of these things were about to happen to me. I just could not wrap my head around all of the horrible things that were going to take over my life. I had just barely started recovering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome after almost 3 years, we had just moved, and I had not even unpacked yet. I knew if everything went South that I would probably be in limbo for a very long time.
